Beacon of Strength

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My husband and I had very lucrative jobs in Mumbai, we were living the dream!! 2021 was a tumultuous year for everyone but its impact on my family was devastating as it broke its backbone.  

My father succumbed to COVID in 2021 and my mother was grappling in the ICU for months as her lungs were significantly damaged. Everything spiraled out of control in the ensuing months and guilt became a huge part of my grief.   

Grief has a way of consuming you slowly till you realize that it has cut you in two parts. One part which you project to the world a smiling front and the other one that you hide but it sneaks up on you at night and torments you. Depression is not only real it has physical symptoms as well, unfortunately, it has a considerable stigma attached to it. 

Complicated grief, essentially means unresolved long-term painful emotions due to preventive social regulations. We had no one to share our pain with and were deprived of the normal grieving process. Unfortunately, we were unable to have a suitable funeral/ceremony for our dad. There is a universal grief cycle which mainly allows people to recover and heal but since we did not have family support (COVID era) this process got compromised.

Additionally, my pain was further got compounded by the agony of ending my Mumbai life and moving to Lucknow with no direction, no job, and no sense of purpose. 

I excluded my own child as I was tediously nurturing my pain and had no scope for anyone. I started my own relationship with grief, I chased it, followed it, nurtured it, wallowed in it, and in return, it restricted me and eventually crippled me.  

I had been in a battle with depression for over a year, I was constantly and overwhelmingly sad. I not only lost my self-worth and loneliness devoured me. Somewhere along the way I hit rock bottom and was miserably despaired. 

The beacon of strength came to me from the most unexpected person, the one whose world had shattered, the one who was not only coping with her physical impediment but an emotional ordeal. Such is the strength of a mother, she propelled me in the direction of healing. After months of self-reflection, daily meditation, yoga practice, devouring any book on grief and diligently working on myself with unmatched fierceness, I overcame this mental disease.  

Shared by : Shruti Shandilya

Author’s bio :

Shruti Shandilya is the  Co-founder of Tirwa Farms (Kannauj, UP) Instrumental in transitioning her farms from conventional farming to applying principles of organic sustainable farming thru soil conserving/ protection, crop rotation, and an inclusive self-sufficient ecosystem.  Essentially they work on enhancing soil health by augmenting its productivity using organic means and manure. 

A front runner in the space of biodiversity and sustainable practices for which she was awarded as the outstanding woman entrepreneur in agriculture by FICCI FLO.

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